Going out to eat

So dinner with friends isn't that big a deal right? Normally I just take myself and a really hot book and wind up with a pity dessert at the end of it so I have that going for me.

But occasionally I wind up agreeing to dinner with a large group of people whom after a year and a half of being around I feel pretty safe tentatively calling them my friends. It typically goes something like this:

Friend?: Hey we all decided to go somewhere to eat after class.

Me: I like food.

Friend?: How does Mexican sound?

Me: I can't make those kinds of decisions so I will just nod my head. The human body can go for weeks without eating. I don't have to eat tonight. Maybe I shouldn't go. I wonder if they're only asking because I'm in earshot. Maybe it would be better to go home. Should I go home? Home is good. Oh wait I forgot to get food. There's nothing to eat at home. So I will go. I have a book in my car. I will take that.

Oh wait. I don't know where that restaurant is. Crap, I'm lousy with directions. I don't want to follow you because that means you have to pay attention to where I am and I don't want to cause trouble and now I really want to go home but I can't cause I said I would go and it would look bad. I don't want to seem mean or arrogant.

The upside of inner monologuing/panicking is that it makes car trips that much shorter. I realize now that I have committed to the whole social act of eating etiquette and I haven't brushed up on my Emily Post in how longs it been...ever.

Do I go in now? Is this a group entrance? I should just put the car in reverse and leave. Nope. Can't do that. Okay, purse, wallet book check. And that was the easy part.

Then comes the actual sit down process. Finding a spot to sit is also a hard choice for someone like me. There are people you are comfortable sitting next to but then I worry that constantly making that choice is bugging the mess out them and I don't want that either. Oh and I need a spot facing the door because having just that much control makes my life a little easier. I'm torn between lunging at the first chair and guarding it like a lioness guards a kill or hanging back and letting everyone else sit down before I do. Most of the time it winds up a mixture of the two, an odd skip and several apologies.

 Now the only thing I can focus on is what everyone else is getting. I don't want to be the weird one. I can't even look at the food until I hear what other people have decided to get. I don't care that I won't like it, I just can't get over the idea that I will be made fun of if I get something else.

Yum that looks good. But look at all that's in it. They're gonna think you're fat if you order that. In fact you should probably just get salad, I mean have you seen yourself lately. I'm sure that's what everyone is thinking. Maybe you should just drink water and watch everyone else eat. And your table manners. Who taught you how to eat? My god you should be embarrassed. Your fork is not a dagger. NO do not threaten to stab the next person that gets in the cheese dip. That's for sharing.

Well, maybe one day I'll learn better self control, but today is not that day.