The Email Conundrum

You know what's horrible?

That it the worst world on fire picture I have ever seen. 

Communication. Communication in any of its wonderful forms. The phone? Can't pick it up. I haven't mentally prepared myself to have a conversation with the person who is calling. Text? Nope, I can't convey sarcasm or emotions over a bit of written word. And if you don't get back with me immediately I will spend all day trying to figure out how my LOLcat offended you. I also can't start the conversation so there's that.

I mean who doesn't love cat puns. 

But at work, the main form of communication is through email. Horrid, horrid email. Not that the people that are sending emails are terrible. No, I happen to be quite fond of them. It is the fact that it exists and I am expected to respond to it.

I'll just leave this here with the rest of the fire.

Let's use this one as an example.

So each month I'm in charge of setting up eye catching book displays for work. No biggie right. I already have my ideas. All of them feature summer and I'm going to pull books that have that word in the title i.e. beach, sun, ect.

But, I have to spend a long time thinking about the email.

Yes, I will send them. Yes I don't mind. No, I don't mind. Whatever floats your boat. Nope none of those sound right and the lastly one is horribly unprofessional. Do I have to sign my name? How do I start the email? Is this too personal? Can I just say it in person? No that's even worse. I know I'll make a paper airplane and fly the ideas to her office. No the last time you tried that you caused an electrical fire. Yep that was a bad idea. I guess I should think on it more. 

I am deep in thought. 

Finally after days of unrelenting meditation and preparation I am prepared to send my email response.

Yep, I am good

I press the send button, feeling the weight lifted off my shoulders. I am free.

Well, better late than never right?

And that is why I hate technology.

How To Read Your Introvert

NO. Not that kind of read. We have a story to write. 

I have three emotions. Anxious, not anxious and furious. There is no in between. It's always on of the three. For most people the difference is hard to well differenciate. I'm here to help you decipher which of the three your personal introvert is feeling at the moment.

It's all in the eyes. I have large, expressive eyes and there normal expression is a deer in the headlights look. If I appear confused and lost people will take pity on me, which is nice.

Note the "near tears" look and the position of the eyebrows.

Now, this is my normal face. I pretty much look like that all the time. Occasionally something happens that makes me happy. This is rare occurrence and always a joy to witness. I hate it. I get cheek cramps from the smile. Stupid facial muscles.

My face hurts just looking at this picture. 

And then there is furious. I don't get upset, I don't get mad. I go straight to "angry enough to break your face." When this happens I tend to get asked if I am uncomfortable. Do I need to take a break? Is there anything they can do to calm my fears?

Again, note the eyebrow changes

Fears, what fears. I'm not scared or anxious, I'm enraged beyond all rationale thought. My thoughts are hardly ever rationale though, so I'm not sure how much weight that statement carries. Speaking of weight I could probably stand to lose some. Standing, I'm tired of standing? Are we gonna ever sit down in this class. Sitting down would be nice. Nice...nice. Oh yeah I'm not being nice. I was mad about something. Can't remember what is was now. Hmmm. 

No I'm not alright. I can't remember what made me angry. But since you're here I guess I can take it out on you. No, wait that's not fair. 

So when I turn around, I look all lost and confused. Mostly because I am and then it becomes a big deal. They'll try to hug me. They always do that. I don't know why.

My name is not Olaf and I do not like warm hugs.

How To Correct Your Introvert

New things are scary. Change is scary. And Busy Town is a book series written by Richard Scarry.

*Artist Re-creation

But the worst thing of all out of all that is being corrected in public. Seriously, that is a terrible idea. Publicly shaming your introverted, anxiety ridden child is the absolute best way to insure that they hate you and will probably never ever forgive you because we put ourselves to sleep at night by replaying our worst memories. The panic attack causes us to pass out.

The Horror!

By no means am I saying don't correct me if I'm wrong. That would be stupid. I'm never wrong so corrections aren't needed.

Bother me again while I'm reading,  I dare you.

I have this one experience from 10th grade English. It was the only time I have pleaded to be switched out of the class and placed in another. She was a terrible woman and not just for the reason I'm about to mention.

We were told that we were to get out a book or something equally as quiet while she spoke to each individual person about the last project we had to do. Fine, no problem, best class ever right? I'm really into my book when (I have wonderful selective hearing that allows me to drown out the inane chatter of other classmates and their social habits) I hear my teacher shouting at me to

Keep in mind this was screamed across the room.

Holy Crap! What'd I do? I didn't hear her call me the last time. Written  up? I don't get in trouble. I am the good girl who sits in the back and hands work in on time and doesn't talk. What will my parents think? Oh God! What are you doing? Are those tears? Are you actually going to start crying in front of everybody? What a stupid child you are? Can't even take a little raised voice can you? No because being yelled at is a new experience. Are they staring? Why is everyone staring? Oh crap. I'm being laughed at aren't I? I have to go. I'm going to be sick.

Which I was. I barely made it to the bathroom in time. It was terrible. And I did wind up getting detention for ridiculous and over exaggerated behavior. And I learned that detention was a wonderful place full of quiet and peacefulness until the first bell rang for the day. I went back for the rest of the year.

But that is a pretty extreme example. It's really the little things. Things that I'm not in trouble at all for or things I'm new at and am just learning. I never expect to be perfect at anything I try. Again, that would be stupid. But what I hate is being told something and not grasping it the first time around. I think that's why math is so hard for me. I didn't get it when it was being explained and I'm too embarrassed/nervous to ask for a repeat.

Yep that makes sense. It is the only logical explanation. 

Especially if it's something I am already supposed to know but for whatever reason didn't do it right or was off. I already know I made a mistake. Please don't say it in front of others. Pull me over to the side and explain. I welcome the constructive criticism, really I do.

Halloween

I love Halloween. It is my absolute favorite holiday because I get to dress up in revealing clothes and I don't have to be my nerve rattled self for a whole night plus the whole candy deal. That's pretty sweet too. Last year though, I decided that I was going to be scary and not sexy. So I made a scarecrow, propped him up on my porch and had a bowl out that said please take one. Like the parents do when they aren't going to be home that night but don't want their house egged.

With that set up, I bought myself a grim reaper cloak, mask and scythe and sat out in the graveyard decorations around my house. With it being so dark, you couldn't see my eyes through the mask and I blended in perfectly with the eerie decor that was my yard.

I have, of course, perfected the art of being ignored. Many small kids ran up the driveway remarking upon the cool statues and running away with as much candy as they possibly could. Naturally I used my scythe to decapitate the stealing little munchkins.

Censored 

Nope just kidding, although that would have been nice. No, I just turned and scared them so when they threw their pillowcase/pumpkin in the air most of it fell out and I could just restock my bowl that way. It pays to think ahead with these sorts of things.

Cue screams of horror.

I saw some of the best facial expressions ever and it was mostly from the parents not the kids, which made it all the more sweeter. But my favorite has to be the one near the end of the night. This little boy was being driven around by his mom. Which is ridiculous? Walking burns the calories of the candy you are planning to consume later. She drops him off and he does not want to get out of the car. She screams at him that it's just a statue and to man up. The boy reluctantly climbs out of the car and gets as far away from me as possible. I don't move, I just watch. He goes up to the candy dish, looks around and grabs a fistful.

Now I was planning to leave this poor kid alone, as he looked ready to wet his pants. Nobody gets away with obeying my lovely sign and I know that it is my duty to take him out. So I turn slowly and lunge toward him giving a horrid screech. He throws his bag straight into the air and watches his mother take off down the street.

That's right, I scared his mother so badly that she took off without her child. Not very far and she did come back for him. I had to take off my mask and calm him down. Something that does not come naturally nor am I any good at it but I tried.

Would you like a dog biscuit? I have beggin' strips.

The Park

The dog park. It's been written and foretold by many an expert that dogs need good socialization as a young pup all the way through the years in order to not eat people's faces off. While this may be true, I use it because I am lazy. If my dog spends a few hours running around and I don't have to walk her, I consider that time well spent. Plus, the people at the dog park never ask about me personally and I don't ask intruding questions about them, all our conversations stems around our dogs. Like parents at the playground only better.

Normally though, I just bring a book. 

But, my pups tend to take after their owner and they will sit with me and demand pets if I don't stand up and at least attempt to socialize. I love dogs though, so it never truly bothers me. In fact I love all creatures and would much rather spend my time with them than any two legged human.

Where I was going with this long intro though, was this one time at the park there was this lady and she had a little yappy dog and a tiny kid in a stroller. As luck would have her tiny mutt managed to squeeze through a gap in the fencing and took off down the street. The woman was torn between her small baby and the small dog. And of course I was the only one at the park at that time and I am a woman so therefore must love small children.

So she takes off, flinging the gate wide open to chase after her runaway dog leaving me with her spawn. My book is far more interesting than this baby but using what common sense I have, I figure it would be wisest to at least look like I am a reliable on the fly babysitter.

And then Frodo said, "I will take the ring to Mordor."

What do you do with a baby.  I know you are supposed to ask the owner's permission before the first contact. Do you let them smell the back of your hand so they get your scent? In the end I told the little human to sit and stay and it did a very good job, much better than my own furry children. The woman was immensely grateful. She did finally catch her dog and she and the baby went to a different area. I finished my book and the dogs slept well that night so I guess it all turned out okay.

The Movies

Nothing is worse than being trapped in a dark room with a bunch of strangers and sticky floors. That's right, the horror of the movie theatre.

This is where the problem starts. I see an advert or here about a movie that I just have to go see before the whole thing is spoiled for me on Pinterest. So I have to make a decision. Do I venture this great feat alone or do I try to get a group of friends to go with me?




Intense staring at phone comences





 

 

 

 

 I don't know. I don't want to bother anybody.  I can't handle rejection at this point in my life. Should I call them? Or is text better? I wonder if I should google it? Nope. What if no one wants to see it? What if they think I'm a nerd for wanting to go see it? Oh wait...moot point they already know that. I don't know what to do.

My cat is ever so helpful in these situations

 

After my meltdown, I decide it's best if I take this venture alone. Thanks to technology and the internet I no longer have to face anyone when going to see a movie. Which is good,as I have seen too many films I had no intention of seeing simply because my brain stops working when I have to make eye contact with another human.


So I pick a great spot in the theatre. It's my day off, so I make sure to pick the weirdest time, so I have the best change of being alone. Which is nerve-wracking in it's own right, but much better than crowded and full of people.

I'm sitting waiting for the previews to start when someone decides that with all the empty seats around me they need to sit right behind me.

No but seriously. I realize we've already established that I watch too much television as it is. But I know how this ends. I've seen enough CSI. So I bring my arms up to my neck to avoid being choked by rope which is how they get you. And now I'm on edge for the duration of the film  I can't get up and move because I would feel compelled to explain to the guy behind me why I have to move.

And that never works out very well. So I sit and I suffer. But I saw my movie.

Timeliness

Time is an integral part of everyday life. For example, in my life there is time for breakfast, time for snack, time for lunch, time for nap, time for dinner, time for supper, and then time for bed. Work should be thrown around somewhere in there.

But above all, time is stressful. People expect you to be somewhere at certain times and I'm never sure if I should show up thirty minutes early, right on time, or just be late because I get too nervous if I get left somewhere by myself.

And one thing led to another.

So when she finally showed up, I had been promoted to assistant manager of the store. It must have been my winning smile. 

Body Image

A lot of things make me nervous.Mostly, it's the fact that people exist and they interfere with my personal airspace but I've been told I can't do anything about that...legally.

Apparently setting others on fire is still frowned upon in most polite societies.

But what I am pretty secure with is my own body. I think I look pretty good in clothes and don't stress about the scale or counting calories. It may seem like a paradox but the fact that I already think that you're talking about me or laughing or something illogical like that means that I don't have to worry about my physical self.

Too busy worrying about whether or not stranger is going to attack me from behind than if he thinks my "butt's got it going on."

Plus I like food, a lot. And I like movies and reading and internet-ing. Is that a word? Can that be used as a verb? Oh well it is now. 

I'm going to eat all of these cookies in one sitting while watching The Hobbit...again. 

All of these are sedentary activities. I do have two dogs and a cat that like and have to be walked. I go to the gym and exercise three-four days out of the week and I like to dance around the house and sing romantic pop ballads to the dishwasher. So I do have all of that going for me.

Which means while I'm not anyone's role model on their Pinterest board, I'm not going to cause the earth to lose it's gravitational pull and fall into the sun. Nor do I require bed sheets as a form of t-shirt. Although they make a very good toga and the occasional fort cover.

This post started out with an intent in mind and I believe that it has completely derailed into something else so I'll end it with a PSA.

Why Dating Is Hard

Since my last two posts are about relationships and my brain is still on the subject I would like to become slightly personal for a moment and talk about my own or more truthfully, lack thereof. It baffles me how a nerdy, smart and average to maybe pretty girl doesn't have the boys lined up in the yard.

But more than likely, it is because my personality is so overwhelming the boys just can't possibly handle it or that they always seem to strike at the least opportune moment.

Honestly, I am sitting down with a good book and my iPod in. It is clear by my body language that I am not receptive to any advances, much less those of the amorous nature I try to deflect these attempts in the nicest, most straight forward way possible. 

When this fails to work, my last resort has always been threats of violence. I have never had to follow through on these threats and that makes me slightly disappointed. 

I don't actually have the power to smite people with the power from the seven realms.I'm still in negotiations with three of them, but it sounds better to say seven. 

Another issue I have is the date itself. I've been on only a few so I won't call myself an expert but...

I know you all are are thinking that just maybe I might be the problem here but let me defend myself. Who takes a girl out and expects her to order rabbit food. I am not a some doe eyed deer but a viscous lioness who wanted something with bacon on it. And then he wants to sneak some bites off my plate, no way. We are not far enough in our relationship for you to even contemplate taking food away from me. Then comes that next step. 

No seriously, the newest marvel movie that cost me $12 and you wanna miss it by snogging the whole time, no thank you. Next time just pick a chick flick at random, that was poor planning on his part. And a worthy candidate for my chosen mate would know better so obviously this wasn't going to work out. 

And my last experience with the opposite sex that I would like to share with you was very short lived and could have ended in assault charges, which again were totally not my fault. 

Honestly, I just don't understand the whole thing.