Sudden Ephiphany

I have to to live with myself for the rest of my life. 

That Movie I Tried to Watch

I think it is best for the general population that I do not visit the movie theater any more. Or, as it would be more convenient for me, the people should avoid the theater when I am attending. I'm thinking a big sign out front just to let everyone know.

Death to all who enter here.

My dearest mother really wanted to see Maleficent but she didn't want to go alone, which I sort of understand but no not really. I agreed to go with her however because she is my mother and I feel a fond attachment for her person. We went on a Tuesday night pretty late in the evening per my request. If I would have know beforehand just how many teenagers were going to be there I would have called the whole thing off.

I hate it when school is out. I really do. Because then I have kids at my workplace and they are freaking everywhere else because they have nothing better to do. Apparently these kids didn't think the movie was good enough or as exciting enough as their personal Facebook page because two of them decided to log on right after the opening credits. Really.

Hark what light through yonder window breaks.

Normally, I keep my feet propped up on the chair in front of me to keep people away. This time my mom distracted me and of course this group got in front of us. Now the phones were being kept under purses so there was a golden light shining on the sides of their armrest. Honestly, if I was any kind of normal it would have been easily dismissed. But I'm not and that stupid light was all I could focus on. Naturally, I slammed both feet into their chairs. They glared up at me and I took that time to 'nicely' tell them to put their cellular phones away for the duration of the film. After the third time I kicked the chair and put my naked feet in their face, the kids decided this wasn't the movie for them after all and kindly vacated the premises.

But there was a second evil lurking about in the area. I think movies should be like plays. Once it starts, they shut the door and bar all entry. Lateness from myself and others is a source of anxiety for me. Why are they late? What are they planning? Should I duck and cover? Dear Lord, why are they sitting next to me? There are open seats. Leave my airspace alone. 

They ignored my inner screams of terror and proceeded to make themselves at home in the chairs next to me. Now I'm really on edge because they are late and near me and it's all too much. And then the little rats start talking to the movie. They felt the need to explain every action and reiterate any lines they found funny.

Before I continue, I would like to explain something to you. Think of me as a rubber band. This rubber band gets stretched tighter and tighter by each little thing until it is set to snap at any moment. So after dealing with the phone teens and these loud, rude kids coming in late plus the fact that the theater itself was packed with people and my mom and I were boxed in the middle. I really don't think the blame lies only with me.

I snapped and I snapped hard. I called them many names that I'm sure would have made my mother beat me into next week if she was paying any attention at all to the drama that was going on beside her. After several choice nicknames and swear words, I also persuaded these upstanding citizens to shut their large trap and watch the rest of the movie in utter silence.

I am very surprised the manager was never called in or that that a punch was never thrown in my direction. But I think I will wait and Redbox the movie I want to see.

That One Time I Signed Up For Eharmony

I hate the blue shell. Screw you Peach!

There are day when I feel alone in life. I like being left alone but I don't like the feeling of loneliness. So with that somber mood taking over I decided what I needed to do was to bring a man into my life. And then I freaked out.

Oh my God! What if we have a good first date? What if we go on more? And kissing and hand holding and deep discussions, I can't handle all that at once. Dear God, what if we move in and then talk about marriage. I don't have a good enough figure for a wedding dress. I'd have to work out, watch what I eat. Ack, and then I'd have to go dress shopping with people. Ahhhh. I think I'll just eat this chocolate bar and watch Netflix instead.

Many conflicts could be avoided if we all sat down with some chocolate and the next episode of Supernatural.

This happened a few times over the course of a month. I'd really think about dating websites and then wind up in the fetal position on the floor breathing through a paper bag. But I finally got over that enough to at least start with the initial questions.

Baby don't hurt me no more.

The first thing you go through is a personality reading. I know I'm at least fourteen different types of insane so that part was easy. I believe that's why I get along so well with animals and babies. They see that slightly crazy look in my eye and know that they better listen.

And they do it too.

Then it moved on to asking me about myself. This is the scary part. I have missed out on so many opportunities (I'm lucky I was able to get through college) because they want a paragraph describing me. I literally can not do this. I can not write about me. I get too nervous, up to the point where my hands are so sweaty I can't grip the pencil.

You know, I don't think it's even worth it.

And this site wanted me to rate my level of attractiveness. That is when I stopped filling out the profile and just shut it down for good. I don't mind being the crazy cat lady.

Why Spoliers Are Awesome

No, not the ones on the back of a car silly.

Things like books, movies, TV shows I can not watch the first go around unless I know what is going to happen. I actively go to TV tropes, wiki links and pages of that nature to find exactly what is going down in the next episode.

I understand this is a hard thing for normal people to grasp but I will try to explain it the best I know how.

With book adaptations it is easy. I read the book then go see the movie or show. Game of Thrones is an excellent example. After I heard the TV series follows the book almost to the letter. I made sure to read all the way up to the current volume and then start the series. As such, I am a season behind everyone but it is okay.

Just plain TV series not based on a book, let us say Supernatural. I wait for the mid season break before going through my DVR to watch all the episodes because by that time they have all the episode summaries up on the wiki page.

And with the books themselves, I try to wait until the entire series comes out and I listen to what people have to say about and read the synopsis online. That is the reason I was able to avoid the whole Divergent series.

I won't go see a movie opening night because I have to wait for someone to post the entire thing so I know exactly what will happen. And speaking of movies, I feel that way with The Fault in Our Stars. I mean seriously. It's a book about two cancer patients. How do you think it's going to end!? Why would I want to subject myself to that emotional trauma?

"It's just so sad and wonderful" -friend
I wonder what I'm gonna make for dinner-me

And the reason I have to do this is it gives me a level of control I wouldn't have otherwise. I know who to get attached to and who not to. I feel like I have level ground to stand on when I have things planned out. I know it's weird but that's best way to phrase it. I just need that organized, planned constant in my life.

I Had a Question

I have an intense fear of approaching people, this includes people I know. If you send me the first text, call or start the conversation I don't feel like I"m bothering you and it makes my day go that much smoother. Of course in life there are many things that I don't understand and as such have to ask for help, since school wouldn't let me use the Google on my homework in class.

This fear extends to things like waiting in line in the supermarket checkout. I see an open lane and then I feel like I have to wait awkwardly to the side until she waves me forward. And if the person is talking to another cashier I will wait until they are done or someone notices me. It's like this in any sort of line but I want to take my story today back to school.

I'm so glad I never have to go back to that place again. Yes you do. Your degree is in education. You have a job starting in August. 

I also hate teachers that reorganize the class. I was happy in the back and no I don't need to meet new people. 

Here I am sitting at my desk doing the work when I come across something I don't understand. I rapidly flip through my textbook but to no avail.

Crap, now you have to go ask for help. But no one else has asked for help yet. They'll be watching you, judging you. I don't care, but I do care. Man, I just wanna read my book. Can't do that till the work is finished. I should go. Come on legs let's do this.

I get to this weird half stand/crouch position when I notice another student walking up at the same time.

But I stood up first. Then just go stand behind her. I don't want to seem impatient. Well you better do something. Your legs are cramping from standing funny and I'm pretty sure the back of the room is getting a great view of your butt. There you go. Stand up tall right in the aisle and don't move. Just stand. Hands, do something with your hands. Dear Lord, you exhaust me. Maybe we should just sit back down. Make something up. Grades never bothered us anyway. Oh wait yes they do. I don't know anymore. You're on your own kid.

I can see the proverbial headlights bearing down on me. 

With the voice in my head abandoning me. I felt frozen in time. I couldn't move. I could only stand and wait until the conversation was over. It seemed like forever. Maybe sitting down was the right call. I should just make something up. Oh wait she's done talking to him. Finally my turn

Can I help you? 

And I've already forgotten what class this is and my initial question. Way to go brain! It's a wonder I made through high school.

Chicks at the Gym

Catch a chicken. Hug a chicken. 

No not those kinds of chicks. I'm talking about the ones of the female variety. Actually, I am almost certain that the PC term for those types of girls is Cardio Bunny but I could be wrong.

I enjoy working out because it provides a drug free endorphin rush that temporarily makes me happy and feel unencumbered by the weight of the world. What I don't like is people at the gym. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone as I don't like other people anywhere. But especially at such a judgmental establishment.

I try to go during the off and weird hours in order to garner that time alone. Why don't I just stay at home? Well, because I feel more motivated because I've driven out of my way to go inside to walk on a stationary terrain and like it or not there are always people there...watching. But no one is as worse as these chicks.

Everything matches. 

They saunter in with everything matching and all put together. Hair is done up. Like with hairspray and whatever else girls do to make their hair look nice. Make up of all things. You can't wear make up. It comes of when you sweat and then you look like someone beat you up in a back alley and the store workers offer to call for help and you have to explain that you forgot to take off your eyeliner. I mean at least that's what I've heard.

But hating people for that. Well that pedantic and completely ridiculous but wait it adds up.

Epic treadmill run

I'm in the back of the gym on the farthest treadmill doing my nice twenty minute interval run before moving on to bigger and nicer things. I have my music in and no one is upstairs for a change so it's great. Then these two girls climb up the stairs. There are several machines to use but they pick two closest to me. I'm annoyed but I can get over it as I'm almost done.

So many options

But then I see their eyes casually dart to my screen. Naturally they are looking at my time and speed. I know some people feel the need to be competitive with whoever but please don't pick me. That's weird. And they speed up past what I'm doing. When I slow down to do my cool down they keep going giving me that smug smile because they are still running.

Seriously though, you haven't been here. You don't know my incline, my resistance. I guarantee you didn't get a good look at my time. Moral of the story: I hate people that wear make-up to the gym.

How I Handled an Emergency

I am a careful driver. Not good nor great but careful. I am always aware of everyone and everything on the road. There's no drifting off or getting distracted by texts (no friends no messages) or loud music. Just constant awareness. So it may come as no surprise that in all my years of driving, I have only been involved in one accident that was not my fault and I never saw it coming.

Black and white for serious effect 

I was in school for two years with a focus in getting my degree in theater tech. I loved the behind the scenes work and best of all no one was supposed to take notice of me and most of my stuff was either independent work or it was done without the actors on set, like running the lights or sound.

All good stories need one

So my first semester of college, I was on run crew (getting the props to the stage and back off) for our fall show. It started at night and by the time clean up was done it was close to midnight when we all got to get out of there. It's the second to last showing of the play and I get in my car like normal and start driving down the road. I'm going through the green light and the intersection when all of sudden...

Yep, I have great vision when my eyes are shut

Like I didn't even feel the impact, I just knew I had been hit. So I stopped the car, turned the hazards on and started looking for my phone. The second I leaned down I lost consciousness for a few seconds. I had no idea if the other driver had stayed or left or if he even had a phone so I dug mine out and called 911. I gave them the details and then she asked if I needed an ambulance.

Do I really? I mean my head hurts yeah. Oh hey is that blood on the window? Must be mine. But I'm sure there are worse off people right? It's Friday at midnight. Can they spare an emergency personnel?

While I was deep in thought, the lady must have took my unresponsiveness as a yes because an ambulance did arrive. My door was completely useless so I had to crawl over my armrest and seats and out the other door all while trying not to vomit. The EMT guys pushed me into the ambulence and the cop asked for my driver's license so I gave him a picture of my dog that I keep in my wallet. He then relieved me of my wallet and wished me a good night.

They didn't turn the sirens on for the ride to the hospital which was nice because my skull was throbbing. It was also about this point I decided my parents needed to be informed of my predicament. So I asked for my phone and called my mom.

Mom: "Glad you finished. Be safe." and she hung up.

She must be tired. I hate to wake her up. But, I don't have a car anymore and I want to go home in a while so yeah I should call back. 

And I did, so that was all squared away. When we got there they gave me this bed thing off to the side where I could still see the people working. They scanned my head and told me that I had a small fracture in my skull. With the pain I was experiencing, I could indeed confirm that. I had to stay for  a while and they gave me a shot of morphine in my butt cheek. Yep, they had to take my pants down to give me this. And I never pulled them back up.

I was there for five hours. I remember maybe twenty minutes of it. I tried to call my mom because I was lonely and while she was sitting next to me I asked for her phone number several times so I could call her. I took a shoe off and took the other shoe off followed by the sock and then put just the shoe on. At one point, the cop came back with my wallet and I told him he was handsome and we should have dinner. (I have no idea what this person actually looked like) and at one point they hooked me with an IV line.

When I was finally released, I was so ready to go. I grabbed the IV stand and tried to walk out pant-less and with a shoe missing. My parents and the nurses had to help me get untangled and redressed. I was that adamant about leaving.

But I recovered, slept all day Saturday and showed up to do the play that night. The worst part about the whole experience was that I had just spent fifty bucks filling the tank up before I left school.

The Email Conundrum

You know what's horrible?

That it the worst world on fire picture I have ever seen. 

Communication. Communication in any of its wonderful forms. The phone? Can't pick it up. I haven't mentally prepared myself to have a conversation with the person who is calling. Text? Nope, I can't convey sarcasm or emotions over a bit of written word. And if you don't get back with me immediately I will spend all day trying to figure out how my LOLcat offended you. I also can't start the conversation so there's that.

I mean who doesn't love cat puns. 

But at work, the main form of communication is through email. Horrid, horrid email. Not that the people that are sending emails are terrible. No, I happen to be quite fond of them. It is the fact that it exists and I am expected to respond to it.

I'll just leave this here with the rest of the fire.

Let's use this one as an example.

So each month I'm in charge of setting up eye catching book displays for work. No biggie right. I already have my ideas. All of them feature summer and I'm going to pull books that have that word in the title i.e. beach, sun, ect.

But, I have to spend a long time thinking about the email.

Yes, I will send them. Yes I don't mind. No, I don't mind. Whatever floats your boat. Nope none of those sound right and the lastly one is horribly unprofessional. Do I have to sign my name? How do I start the email? Is this too personal? Can I just say it in person? No that's even worse. I know I'll make a paper airplane and fly the ideas to her office. No the last time you tried that you caused an electrical fire. Yep that was a bad idea. I guess I should think on it more. 

I am deep in thought. 

Finally after days of unrelenting meditation and preparation I am prepared to send my email response.

Yep, I am good

I press the send button, feeling the weight lifted off my shoulders. I am free.

Well, better late than never right?

And that is why I hate technology.

How To Read Your Introvert

NO. Not that kind of read. We have a story to write. 

I have three emotions. Anxious, not anxious and furious. There is no in between. It's always on of the three. For most people the difference is hard to well differenciate. I'm here to help you decipher which of the three your personal introvert is feeling at the moment.

It's all in the eyes. I have large, expressive eyes and there normal expression is a deer in the headlights look. If I appear confused and lost people will take pity on me, which is nice.

Note the "near tears" look and the position of the eyebrows.

Now, this is my normal face. I pretty much look like that all the time. Occasionally something happens that makes me happy. This is rare occurrence and always a joy to witness. I hate it. I get cheek cramps from the smile. Stupid facial muscles.

My face hurts just looking at this picture. 

And then there is furious. I don't get upset, I don't get mad. I go straight to "angry enough to break your face." When this happens I tend to get asked if I am uncomfortable. Do I need to take a break? Is there anything they can do to calm my fears?

Again, note the eyebrow changes

Fears, what fears. I'm not scared or anxious, I'm enraged beyond all rationale thought. My thoughts are hardly ever rationale though, so I'm not sure how much weight that statement carries. Speaking of weight I could probably stand to lose some. Standing, I'm tired of standing? Are we gonna ever sit down in this class. Sitting down would be nice. Nice...nice. Oh yeah I'm not being nice. I was mad about something. Can't remember what is was now. Hmmm. 

No I'm not alright. I can't remember what made me angry. But since you're here I guess I can take it out on you. No, wait that's not fair. 

So when I turn around, I look all lost and confused. Mostly because I am and then it becomes a big deal. They'll try to hug me. They always do that. I don't know why.

My name is not Olaf and I do not like warm hugs.

How To Correct Your Introvert

New things are scary. Change is scary. And Busy Town is a book series written by Richard Scarry.

*Artist Re-creation

But the worst thing of all out of all that is being corrected in public. Seriously, that is a terrible idea. Publicly shaming your introverted, anxiety ridden child is the absolute best way to insure that they hate you and will probably never ever forgive you because we put ourselves to sleep at night by replaying our worst memories. The panic attack causes us to pass out.

The Horror!

By no means am I saying don't correct me if I'm wrong. That would be stupid. I'm never wrong so corrections aren't needed.

Bother me again while I'm reading,  I dare you.

I have this one experience from 10th grade English. It was the only time I have pleaded to be switched out of the class and placed in another. She was a terrible woman and not just for the reason I'm about to mention.

We were told that we were to get out a book or something equally as quiet while she spoke to each individual person about the last project we had to do. Fine, no problem, best class ever right? I'm really into my book when (I have wonderful selective hearing that allows me to drown out the inane chatter of other classmates and their social habits) I hear my teacher shouting at me to

Keep in mind this was screamed across the room.

Holy Crap! What'd I do? I didn't hear her call me the last time. Written  up? I don't get in trouble. I am the good girl who sits in the back and hands work in on time and doesn't talk. What will my parents think? Oh God! What are you doing? Are those tears? Are you actually going to start crying in front of everybody? What a stupid child you are? Can't even take a little raised voice can you? No because being yelled at is a new experience. Are they staring? Why is everyone staring? Oh crap. I'm being laughed at aren't I? I have to go. I'm going to be sick.

Which I was. I barely made it to the bathroom in time. It was terrible. And I did wind up getting detention for ridiculous and over exaggerated behavior. And I learned that detention was a wonderful place full of quiet and peacefulness until the first bell rang for the day. I went back for the rest of the year.

But that is a pretty extreme example. It's really the little things. Things that I'm not in trouble at all for or things I'm new at and am just learning. I never expect to be perfect at anything I try. Again, that would be stupid. But what I hate is being told something and not grasping it the first time around. I think that's why math is so hard for me. I didn't get it when it was being explained and I'm too embarrassed/nervous to ask for a repeat.

Yep that makes sense. It is the only logical explanation. 

Especially if it's something I am already supposed to know but for whatever reason didn't do it right or was off. I already know I made a mistake. Please don't say it in front of others. Pull me over to the side and explain. I welcome the constructive criticism, really I do.

Halloween

I love Halloween. It is my absolute favorite holiday because I get to dress up in revealing clothes and I don't have to be my nerve rattled self for a whole night plus the whole candy deal. That's pretty sweet too. Last year though, I decided that I was going to be scary and not sexy. So I made a scarecrow, propped him up on my porch and had a bowl out that said please take one. Like the parents do when they aren't going to be home that night but don't want their house egged.

With that set up, I bought myself a grim reaper cloak, mask and scythe and sat out in the graveyard decorations around my house. With it being so dark, you couldn't see my eyes through the mask and I blended in perfectly with the eerie decor that was my yard.

I have, of course, perfected the art of being ignored. Many small kids ran up the driveway remarking upon the cool statues and running away with as much candy as they possibly could. Naturally I used my scythe to decapitate the stealing little munchkins.

Censored 

Nope just kidding, although that would have been nice. No, I just turned and scared them so when they threw their pillowcase/pumpkin in the air most of it fell out and I could just restock my bowl that way. It pays to think ahead with these sorts of things.

Cue screams of horror.

I saw some of the best facial expressions ever and it was mostly from the parents not the kids, which made it all the more sweeter. But my favorite has to be the one near the end of the night. This little boy was being driven around by his mom. Which is ridiculous? Walking burns the calories of the candy you are planning to consume later. She drops him off and he does not want to get out of the car. She screams at him that it's just a statue and to man up. The boy reluctantly climbs out of the car and gets as far away from me as possible. I don't move, I just watch. He goes up to the candy dish, looks around and grabs a fistful.

Now I was planning to leave this poor kid alone, as he looked ready to wet his pants. Nobody gets away with obeying my lovely sign and I know that it is my duty to take him out. So I turn slowly and lunge toward him giving a horrid screech. He throws his bag straight into the air and watches his mother take off down the street.

That's right, I scared his mother so badly that she took off without her child. Not very far and she did come back for him. I had to take off my mask and calm him down. Something that does not come naturally nor am I any good at it but I tried.

Would you like a dog biscuit? I have beggin' strips.